Day 1 of the government shutdown, or I listened to NPR this morning

(I do a lot of paraphrasing here)

I go to work this morning determined to come home in a better mood by not listening to Talk Radio. I mean what’s the point? I’ve already changed political parties. I vote for the best people running in the primary and vote the party line in the general elections… I don’t need convincing the other party is my enemy. The President already told me I am his enemy and he is currently punishing me as he promised he would.

So, I tune in an NPR station to listen to classical music. After all, it’s the music once claimed to sooth the savage’s breast. I’m getting into whoever they are playing, Handel, Schubert, Beethoven, Mengele?… I don’t know these people but I do recognize some of the tunes. I suppose that’s why they’re classics? I know I heard them on Saturday morning cartoon shows when I was a li’le one more’n 50 years ago.

And then the news comes on…. I take a deep breath and recall what my leftist and big government friends keep telling me. “You need to stop listening to those liars on Fox (I’ve never watched or listened to Fox) and those horrible liars Beck and Limbaugh. Try NPR if you must listen to radio.” So I listen to NPR news. After all, this is real news for the country’s informed elite! (I feel so privileged that I’m about to be enlightened.)

First thing I hear is Obama talking about how affordable Obamacare is and how people like me can now get (at the taxpayers’ expense) the great health care the rest of the population is getting. My head didn’t explode, but I think I may have popped a blood vessel, though obviously a nonessential one. I find myself snarling at the radio.

“What? You exempt the government from this great healthcare plan because it’s too onerous and far removed from the truly best care on the planet that they are currently accustomed to? You grant, with a casual wave of your royal hand, a thousand big businesses a yearlong pass because it’s too onerous? But I, by what’s left of the law you keep changing, have to abide by it?” (Thank the gods the savage soothing music started playing again. I made it to the next newsbreak, barely.)

Someone named Sebelius popped up defending Obamacare. I think Sebelius is in charge of some government department? I doubt it’s the one that promotes intelligent reasoning though. Anyhow, she says of course there will be problems with the government signup sites (after 3 years of getting them ready for today) but Apple has trouble with their newest OS and no one is calling for defunding that or kicking Apple out of the market place.

What? Did she just mix Apples and Brown Shirts? Apple isn’t forcing me to buy their toys. Hell, I own nothing Applish and can’t conceive of every needing to. But Obamacare? THAT is being crammed down my throat by an out of control group of Progressives that have usurped my country! (Now I’m cursing into the spray booth and some gray sludge is trickling out of my nose. I don’t think it’s snot.)

It takes several overtures before I even realize the music is playing again. I feel nothing being soothed.

Newsbreak. I hear Harry Reid’s name and head for the rest room. Thank you gods for an enlarged prostate. By the time I got back to the radio the music was playing again.

The next newsbreak featured the One. Yes, the lord god Obama chastising the Tea Party Republicans for doing what their constituents sent them to Congress to do- Stopping Obamacare. Christ on an F'ING cracker! Politicians doing what they were elected to do?

I scrambled back to the workshop desperately seeking a roll of duct tape and earplugs. Beck recommends wrapping one’s head with duct tape so you can find all the pieces after your skull explodes while trying to understand Progressives. I figured the foam ear plugs stuffed up my nose might stop what was left of my brain from trickling out.

Not finding what I needed I retuned the radio to Beck’s program and was greeted with laughter as Beck announced all we can do is laugh at these people. They are in control of our wealth and now our health. All that’s left is our ability to laugh at them.

Thank you Mr. Beck. You brought a smile to my face and eased the pain in my head and heart. For a few moments I'd forgotten my Roman Stoic philosophy.

I’ll continue to listen to NPR music, but when their version of news comes on I think I’d best swallow a quart of moonshine and at least one Quaalude.